Posted in Dating

Can you change someone?


You finally met the dream guy or girl. Both start dating and notice behaviors that are not entirely positive. What do you do? What if you have been living with each other and are really vested in the relationship? Can you change someone? The answer is simple. You can’t change another person. I will repeat, you cannot change a person. The person has to want to change themselves.

Lets look at an example:

Girl meets guy and guy says “Let me take you out, cause I am Mr. Romance and your hot!”

Girl says, “Sure”, and giggles, as she likes what she sees too. “But I have to tell you I can’t be around smokers or someone who drinks or does drugs everyday.” Tilting her head she smiles prettily at the guy.

He stares at her, smiles back, and says, “I do smoke and I enjoy the ‘occasional drink’. These are not problems really so lets plan something tonight”.

The girl at this point is thinking, ‘Well at least he is honest, maybe I should give him a chance and see if he will quit smoking after being with me a couple of dates. He will like me so much, he will want to quite smoking.’ The girl says yes, already compromising her dating criteria.

Now this is where it gets sticky.

The guy and the girl go out that very evening and guy is romantic and dashing. At the end of dinner while sitting outside on a restaurant patio, the guy lights up a cigarette and orders a long island tea.

Guy offers to buy girl the same drink; girl declines. Guy gets more and more plastered with a second, third, and fourth long island tea all the while smoking like a chimney. Girl realizes guy cannot drive and will have to take guy home in her car. Girl drives guy home and offers to take him inside. Guy lets girl into his apartment forgetting, because he is drunk, he has empty booze bottles scattered everywhere since he parties every night he can. Girl realizes this guy has issues with alcohol and tonight isn’t a one night occurrence.

The first thing a reasonable person does is to communicate the behavior or try to discuss the issue. But what if that doesn’t work because that person is not wanting to change or does not believe they are doing anything wrong? Ah the dilemma!

Let’s say the girl gives the guy another chance after he calls her two days later apologizing for having ‘too good a time’. On a second date the girl notices the guy has 3 drinks. Once again, girl has to drive him home and see’s alcohol bottles everywhere. This guy obviously lied about having a drinking problem.

Girl decides to discuss this in-depth with guy. Guy ultimately states to girl, “I don’t have a drinking problem. I just like to drink when I go out on dates. It relaxes me.”

Girl realizes guy lied to her and gives guy this ultimatum, “If you can’t stop drinking and smoking, then I’m afraid we cannot see each other anymore.”

Guy insists he doesn’t have a problem drinking.

Bottom Line: 

As a woman, I am guilty of the above story. I have dated men whom I thought I could influence enough to change negative behaviors only to find out that some men just do what they want when you’re not around. I am sure men have the same problems and issues with dating women. Over time I learned that if the person I am dating is not already the person I am seeking, or close enough to what I am looking for, then I just do not get involved to begin with. If I am vested in the relationship and then find a ‘secret whatever’ habit, it’s simply best to walk away. This is not always easy as loving someone puts a different spin on situations however, I have learned to love myself more.

A person can change if they want to change.

NO ONE can make a person change unless he or she is ready or willing to actually become a better person.

Click on the link and tell me if you agree or disagree.  🙂


I am the person who gives excellent advice. Yes, I am that good! I am a writer, a mom, a Nana (yes hard to believe I know!), a professional, educated, and has the ability to look at anything objectively. I write about everything and anything. I do this because there are many facets in my life. I am also a Coffee Lover and that alone makes me awesome. ~Me

4 thoughts on “Can you change someone?

  1. This is so true. In my first proper relationship, I thought I could change him, and in the course of trying to do so, I changed myself by accident. Once the relationship ended, I took a step back and definitely didn’t like what I saw. 4 years in to my relationship now, 3 months away from getting married, I’ve realised that I can’t change the unimportant things (yeah – he’ll always leave the shower switch on, but yeah, I have a floordrobe… And really, is it a big deal? no), but we talk about the big things and we change them together where we can.

    1. Thanks for your reply! Only you can determine whats good for you and it all starts with communication. This is how change happens. You are lucky your partner loves you to change those negative behaviors before they become problems.

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